I am a Proud Single Mom

Being a single parent is a journey. There are so many things to do, yet so little time available. 24 hours in a day is not enough. Well, that's how it has been for somebody like me who never settles for mediocrity. I always want what's best for my daughter, for my family, for my friends, for my students and for my self. If I feel like I'm not doing my best, I fail. So my dilemma is, how can I be the best in all these areas when I am only one. The responsibilities at home like finances, maintaining the house & car, doing the errands, raising and disciplining a child, attending school meetings which should be done by a couple had always been my sole responsibility. Not to mention fulfilling dreams for my self as an individual like finishing a PhD in Biology, being a full professor, writing and presenting my researches internationally and retiring with my own school.

 

My life and dreams are not simple. In fact, simple is not an adjective I can use to describe myself. Single parenting is never simple. It takes the bravest of heart not to be derailed against one's morals. I embrace my life because in spite of everything, there are still so many blessings to be thankful for.

They say stress can be good for you. It keeps you alert and up on your toes to strive for excellence. For me, stress had been my defense mechanism (in addition to sleeping). I forget being alone, I avoid envying happy couples and complete families. When I'm tired and stressed, I won't have time to even contemplate about things that I'm missing for a long time...except when my I talk to my friends and they start sharing something about their lives with somebody special. That's the most difficult part of being a Christian single parent. In this case, prayers help a lot not to lose control of moral values.

 Another hard part of single parenthood is, when I am about to sleep at night. Whatever transpired in my day, whether pleasant or discouraging, I only have myself to share it with. Of course there is my daughter. She is my best friend. We connect heart to heart. But being the parent, I always have to put up a strong facade in front of her. I am her fortress, I can't afford to show weakness to her. So there are times when you need a man who'll be your knight, best friend, critic, comic and lover who will hold your hands and hug you as you both talk about the long day you've both been through. 

Through time, I discovered patience is really the key. Just do what you have to do, prioritize and give your best in everything even if single parents like me have to do double-time. In the end, the sense of accomplishment doubles too. You value yourself more, and later on, you see the difference at how other people and your circle treats you. They admire you for being a survivor and they become amazed at how still manage to stay sane and most importantly, gorgeous. Lol!

Years from now when I look back in my life at this point, I won't have any regrets. I know I did my best. If I failed on some aspects, I am sure that my intentions were also for the best of everybody. God is still molding me and I gladly participate in His plans for me and my daughter.I know the term "single mom" is not something I'll be calling my self for a long time anymore. God knows the desires of my heart. Yet I will forever be a MOM to my beautiful daughter wherever life takes me. When I am old, I can tell her that I had a life well-lived and I am proud I raised her to become the most wonderful daughter a mother can ever have.

Parable of the Starfish

It happened two Sundays ago when I was about to go to church.  I was waiting for my mom and daughter when I decided to read Biology: Concepts and Applications.  While I was reading the textbook, I happened to flip one of the front pages.  I was surprised to see this page about a starfish.  Yes, starfishes are interesting creatures belonging to Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Echinodermata and Class Asteroidea.  But the page written about them were on a different context...quite different from what you expect to read in a Biology textbook.  It wasn't about facts nor theories.  It was a parable...an inspiring story. 

PARABLE OF THE STARFISH

One day, an old man was walking along a beach that was littered with thousands of starfish that had been washed ashore by the high tide. 

As he walked he came upon a young boy who was eagerly throwing the starfish back into the ocean, one by one. 

Puzzled, the man looked at the boy and asked what he was doing. Without looking up from his task, the boy simply replied, "I'm saving these starfish, Sir". 

The old man chuckled aloud, "Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?" 

The boy picked up a starfish, gently tossed it into the water and turning to the man, said, "It made a difference to that one!" 

With this, I suddenly remembered a quotation when I was in grade school.  My English teacher, then,  required us to memorize five inspiring quotes.  This was one of them:

"I am only one, but I am one

 I cannot do everything but I can do something

 And what I should do and can do

 By the grace of God I will do."

I'm glad I got to read this story.  Now I look at starfishes differently..  Whenever I lose patience teaching difficult students, or disciplining an adolescent daughter....Whenever I'm about to give up on a one-sided friendship, an annoying neighbor, or any other challenges, I try to remember the parable.  Making a difference in the lives of people around us - whether strangers or those close to our hearts - is priceless.  We may not know it instantaneously.  But even if we don't, it doesn't matter anymore.  

Phrases from my Book

Whenever I have my quiet time, I would read a chapter from one of my favorite books, "Created for a Purpose" by Darlene Sala.  It gives me the uplifted spirit I need....just like how Oolong tea stimulates me, how red wine provides calmness and how Nutella activates my endorphins when I'm alone.  I bought this book at Powerbooks in Manila.  The reason? I like the cover.  It shows a daisy...a yellow-orange daisy.  They are my favorites - favorite flower and favorite color. They said don't judge a book by it's cover. Not for me! I do judge a book by it's cover. My take on this is...a good author will not only give his best in the content, but also in appearance of her work. It should be a total package.  Also, I am a fan of Harold Sala books, so I got curious grabbing a copy of his daughter's writing.

I am not really a meticulous book owner.  My books have folds, underlines, clips, stickers, handwritten notes on its pages, highlighter pen marks, and beaded bookmarks.  I'd prefer my books this way rather than have glossy covers and clean/white pages...like nobody own them.  It just goes to show that I read, touch, contemplate and sleep on them most of the time.  I am a very engaging book owner....maybe bordering abusive :-p

As for "Created for a Purpose", I have highlighted some phrases, sentences and paragraphs in it. They are food for the soul.  Let me share some of them:

• What makes one woman capable of turning her life around while another cannot?  My experience has been that what a woman believes about herself makes a difference in how she deals with difficulty.  (page 16, 1st paragraph )

•  I believe that if you see yourself as God sees you - if you have a good sense of self-esteem - you will somehow be able to cope with almost anything, because you will find that God's grace is indeed sufficient for you.  ( page 16, 1st paragraph )

• You are precious to Him. When you give your identity to Him, He will give you back more than you can ever imagine.  ( page 23, 2nd paragraph )

• We get so caught up in looking at life from our limited, human perspective, that we become blind to what is real.  ( page 40, 1st paragraph )

• We are most appealing to others and the happiest within, when we are completely ourselves.     ( page 50, 2nd paragraph )

•  Sometimes we all need to risk admitting our own insecurities and weaknesses.  That's the only way we'll be able to help each other.  ( page 53, 2nd paragraph )

•  Do you have a quick temper? Give it to God.  Are you clumsy?  Put your clumsiness in God's hand.  Are you overweight? Offer your body to God as a living sacrifice. Let me repeat myself again: God doesn't want just the "good stuff."  He wants it all.  ( page 85, 2nd paragraph )

•  One of the biggest wounds to a woman's self-esteem can come from the sexual or physical abuse that was inflicted on her in the past.  ( page 135, 1st paragraph )

•  I am unique - no one ever existed or ever will exist exactly like me; God brought me into existence at this precise time in history in a precise location; He knew about me before the world was even created. - Ephesians 1:4  ( page 194, 3rd paragraph )

Finding One's Self

Sometimes, we just need to get lost in the hustle and bustle of anonymity...Stay away from people who know us, and live a life with a new set of circle. It's what we need to learn who we really are, what can make and what can break us.  This had been the epitome of my journey for the last seven years, until I found my self again.

When you hit rock bottom, it's either you let yourself drown or try to swim your way up.  With me, I chose the later.  And I'm glad I did. On my struggle to paddled up, I met so many unexpected individuals who helped me pick up the pieces again.  I made new friends at church.  I had gay employees.  I enjoyed being on stage because I was either showing off something, joining a competition or hosting an event.  I taught Korean students who came here in my country and through online classes.  I developed customers who patronized my home-made munchkins.  I met plant workers and laboratory analysts whom I've worked with for six to seven days a week.  Never in my life had I thought I would be in this roller coaster of adventure....all because I was lost.

Faith in God and love for my daughter were the only reasons I held on to exist during those times.  I'm glad I never let go.  Now, I am in a place I never thought I'd be.  Happiness surrounds me every time I wake up, even with just 4-5 hours of sleep.  It's the joy of knowing God created me for a purpose. I wake up seeing my daughter sound asleep just 15 inches away from me. 

I waited for God's plan to unfold.  I tried not to be impatient even if it took years.  Now, I am back to teaching, and it gives me fulfillment.  My daughter had grown up to be so beautiful, responsible and supportive. 2013 is my year, and the coming years would become even better.  Let my life be a testimony of how waiting patiently and finding contentment can truly give joy to a wayward soul.

Moon is My Raft

"The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk." -Carl Sandburg

 As the northeast monsoon winds touch my skin, I stand in awe staring at the moon.  Just like how Neil Armstrong"s footsteps stayed on the moon dust, my sight was fixated.  January 25, 2013...it was a full moon.

Footprint on the moon's surface

     In a world surrounded by contradiction, the moon is my light on a gloomy night.  It's my chiaroscuro, as how I remember my college Humanities professor would always say.  What is in you?  Where are you?  Why are you looking back at me?  These questions which can never be answered are what keep me fascinated with the moon.  Interrogations which lead to imagination.  I can experience in one night what I could not in a century.  The stars are lamp posts, guiding my journey as I traverse the unknown in a millisecond of light years.  I saw the deepest part of Marianas Trench, as well as the highest peaks of the Himalayas.  All these I saw, because the moon is my raft.

Venus and the moon

     The craters are like maps.  They lead me to places I've never been, sceneries I've never seen.  I had been chained on the earth.  Immobilized by deception.  The past imprisoned me, yet I was set free from my dungeon.  The moon gave me my lock keys.  Now, I travel differently because I have a new life.  My pockets are full of hope and my hands full of redemption.  The passenger on the raft had become a new creation.

     Years ago, the moon took me to the Middle East.  There I saw sand dunes, and my father working in a foreign land earning with a foreign currency just so we can have a convenient life.  My eyes were wide open, my consciousness bespoke.  On another occassion, I flew three decades to the past.  I was reunited with my grandfather who used to give me crabs for pets.  I, once again, smelled pomade on his hair and Brutt on his clothes. 

 
     Lately, I have been to an enchanted lake.  I saw a man flashing a smile I can't resist , looking straight at me with a smize.  He held, not just my hand, but also my heart.

     He whispered hello, but I heard poetry. A prose which far exceeds that of Pablo Neruda's.  The lake of enchantment served as a backdrop for our first meeting. It's freshwater was a melting point of excitement while the cold air's an atmosphere of encounter between two cultures too distinct from each other. That moment I was sure...Venus collided with Jupiter.

Venus and Jupiter visible from the sky
"The moving moon went up to the sky, and nowhere did abide; softly she was going up, and a star or two beside.
-Samuel Taylor

 
     Since then, Jupiter never left my mind.  He is with me all the time...in my thoughts, yet I don't know him.

     Someday soon, my moon will bring me back to that lake again.  It might even take me to places unimaginable.  I can't wait 'til I will stare at the moon again.  For now, I will depart from my raft, and face what reality has in store for me.  My soul would feel when I can wander through time again.

"There is nothing you can see that is not a flower; there is nothing you can think that is not the moon." -Matsuo Basho